The Darwin Awards

Posted: February 24, 2012 in Views
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I was on the bus before with me friend. We were talking and it got onto the subject of “The Darwin Awards”. For anyone who doesn’t know what they are, it is a yearly reward given to someone who takes themselves out of the gene pool in completely retarded ways essentially. Now, this may seem harsh since the person dies or becomes sterile, but to be fair, if someone’s stupid enough to put themselves willingly into a position where they may die then no sympathy for them.

We made up an example to share with you. If, somehow, a bus ended up on top of a petrol station then firemen would have to come and save them. Now, in order to do this they may use one of them trampoline like things to catch people jumping off the top to bounce them to safety. However this may be dangerous since they may bounce too far and die anyway. So I floated the idea of using a bouncy castle to catch them instead, but my friend said that they may bounce over the wall. Here’s where the Darwin Award bit happens. We decided that if the person can’t aim well enough to land close enough the wall so they just bounce off it then we don’t need them since they are the most likely to misaim a step and fall in front of a car.

Now that was a hyperbolic situation, you don’t need to be good at jumping to live, but you get the idea. Someone stupid enough to get themselves killed shouldn’t breed. Here is an actual example. A man died after consuming 3L of sherry in one go. Now that isn’t the big problem, people are allowed to go out and get pissed off copious amounts of alcohol, but this genius inserted the liquid anally. And to be clear, I am not using anally in the clean freak sense. We can all agree that someone who does that deserves their fate. It is really ridiculous that people willingly do shit like that. What’s worse is that tons of people get pissy hearing this. Complaints like “Oh that’s awful. The person died. My dog’s twice removed cousin died trying to eat the crumbs out of a toaster whilst toasting a cup-a-soup. I suppose they deserved to die?” Yes crazy imaginary person, they did deserve to die.

People who do stupid life-threatening things should not breed. That is non-negotiable. I welcome all your bitching. I got challenged to do this post so I am happy.

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